We hid
because we could.
We held
hands in the dark.
We held
each other under blankets
in your
surging air conditioning
in my
surging insecurities
I think
struggling is not the answer.
I want
the turmoil to pass over
but no
blood on brushes just my constant hushes
to my
inner thoughts
to my
id
I hid
from the fact that I’m a cheater.
I mean
I have been historically.
I am
obsessive and possessive
but I
am changing, evolving growing
and these
growing pains are worse than adolescent bone fusion.
Worse than the confusion not being able
to find a girlfriend. To find a girl.
Never feeling like
I could
be clean again.

But I
believe that I am able
to be okay with living a live that is stable.
Before
my calm came from the chaos
I got off on organizing
all the strife - assassinating
terrorists of my own creation. Loss
of control had me salivating.
But now
I feel in command when I’m creating.
I’m learning to build upon my order. I’m
on the border of feeling like I’m
functioning.

So now
the time is right to find my guy.
I was ready and there you were
persisting when I was being distant
because I know how these things work
at a distance.
In this instance I’m willing to take the stance
that I actually believe in romance.
I
actually believe we can be happy too. I
believe in me and you. Yeah
I didn’t
want to use that rhyme,
but
it feels right
and by this time
if it feels right with you
then it is something I’m
going to do.

For now we’ll hold hands in the dark.
For now
we’ll keep
aiming for that mark. This is
just the start.
(I smile)
This is just the start.